It feels so out, on the spectating side of things, and dreams are broken into pieces, undermining my subconsciousness, breaking every piece left, dust, not even wind, it's sunny, this sun drives me crazy. The color of wine is all that keeps me alive, it's taste only gets me there, to day dreaming, all that is left, dreaming of my levels, to my life.
Mi-e rau cand beau, mi-e rau cand fumez, mi-e rau cand visez, mi-e rau cand vorbesc, mi-e rau cand gandesc, mi-e rau cand ascult, mi-e rau cand m-ascult, mi-e rau cand stau, mi-e rau cand muncesc, mi-e rau… cel mai rau mi-e cand te vad… si cand nu te vad.
This time it might happen the way I wanted it the last time I wanted it, so now maybe I should consider on wishing something else, on second thought there might not be a chance to wish a second thing. What might be that one thing left to be done? That's one of the other hundreds of questions with no answer. Anyhow it's useless, useless like in 'no matter'. Based on time planning things should have evolved different, theoretically speaking there's no chance in going the way it was planned without an outer or inner influence, at least on the path. So, what next?
It's dark, prisoner of my own mind. A long night, a long day, whistle continuously in my ears, remembering, thinking, dreaming hurts my stomach, a continuous sensation of throwing up is in my throat. I've become a beast inside my own mind, a prisoner of things that never happened. All the beauty has become darker than it already was. It hurts so bad seeing me on this other side, here alone, with my thoughts, with my nights and my dark days. This story doesn't have an ending, it's the sickness of the soul, the sickness. Blurred and faded, dead, motionless, a scream of the impossible, a soundless voice, untouchable path. The funeral of all that is left, the death of all that is alive, no shades, just dark, no flicker of life, no glance of light. Broken, drowned in blood, fake and useless, dust in the wind.
At the beginning or maybe at the end, or maybe sometime in the middle, or NEVER, you think it's time for a new beginning. And you think of what you've been doing so far, put everything into some kind of balance, which is never straight. Would you know which things are bad and which ones aren't? Probably not. Everything that was before is going to change at this crucial moment in your life when you think you will leave all your evil, dark and bad part of you behind.
The moment of change is not chosen by you, it comes randomly without asking for it and you never know what kind of change you might get, from good to better or from bad to worse?
Putting all hopes on dreams would not make a difference, dreams will not save you from yourself. Dangerous choice to put hopes onto. Going to that better self, or going down to hell… there is one more way… no way, the way of not going anywhere, the way of living like an object that doesn't care, even so, he might feel more than most of us are capable of.
Getting to know the inner object is hard to do.
Questioning your inner object and the faith of the ego would make a difference? Most probably not. Questions… questions without answers, just because the questions are wrong. No good answer from a bad question.
Live with questions… living with wrong answers will get you nowhere.